Why is it so hard to have the one thing that I need?
No, I don't need you to fix me. I just need someone to hear me. To see me. To not force me to bury my feelings, my pains and griefs.
A real human who's not afraid of other real humans...
Yeah I know you'd rather take a pill than feel...but you will never heal yourself that way.
You need a friend, a hug and some tears...
That's all.
But without real friends with ears who care, I guess it makes sense that everyone has to turn to drugs.
Feelings can feel messy...
But avoiding them is even worse.
Be a real friend to someone.
Talk to them about their pains, where they came from, why they are where they are...without judgement or corrections...
That is how you heal the world...one broken heart at a time...

To: Frank Joseph Czajkowski

Dear dad I never had...

I always wonder what life would have been like to be loved and wanted by those who brought me in to this world...do you ever have to wonder that???

Dear dad...what do you think when you see happy families together...dads and children playing and loving on one another?

Does it bring a tear to your eyes like it has mine for 40 years?  Does it cripple you in the way it does a lost lonely girl just begging for love and safety???

What would it be like to be loved and encouraged and supported by family?  Do you even know what it's like to not know where you came from?  What are my grandparents names???  Cousins, aunts, uncles...?

Dear dad, do you know the life long damage you caused your daughter?  Never having a role model, never being loved by a male figure, never taught how to fish, change the oil or defend myself, never taught what love really is, never taught that I AM good enough and that I don't have to sell myself short just for a man to pretend to like me? 

Dear dad, do you know what it's like to carry this abandonment wound with you your whole life? Do you know what it's like to live a loveless life, where I feel that if I just love him more, he will have to love me?  Because my daddy never did?  Where all of my relationships are with men such as yourself...?

How do you sleep knowing that you brought someone in to this world that you have only brought pain to?

What do you tell your friends?  Do they even know you have a daughter?  I mean I know your buddies who were part of your program to abuse me knew...but what about all these decades?  Am I your dirty little secret?

How does it feel knowing that you sold me off to dangerous waters to fend for myself with trained killers like you after me, sabotaging everything I have ever done and created?

Where were you when I was in the paper every day for my achievements?  When I wrote my first plays that were performed?  All my scholarship offers....opening my first restaurant at 23, the birth of my children, my 2 month wedding to a guy that would abandon me just as you did?  Where were you when they shot me after exposing the sex trafficking ring that YOU KNEW WAS RUN BY LAW ENFORCEMENT!!!?!?!?!??!?!  And how could you live with yourself after telling me that "if killing me was their job that you can't interfere???"
Have you ever met another father in his life that would REFUSE to help his daughter when he had the power to?
Mr Big G Man....you had no problem getting Jason out of all his crimes, duis, international drug trafficking, gangster violence, drugs, etc....yet, if it was there job to kill me, you do nothing..........
Can you imagine for a minute what that would be like???

Do your friends know that while you live in a mansion with every toy known to man that I have been out on the streets with zero income trying to heal... with you NEVER showing any concern for my well being, not even after being notified of me being in the hospital with encephalitis and multiple strokes??? 
How are you enjoying that movie theatre and bowling alley in your home?  Full service bar and table games, next to the jet skis and boats and atvs???

PS before you tell me to just go get a job...uh...you add up the cost of living and minimum wage.  I have been working every since I could talk and walk again! I'm sure you can do simple math. It just doesn't add up...and unfortunately in this world, you get more money for killing the most souls...and since I am not a soul killer, I'll most likely never have a home again and die out in the elements, alone and unloved....just as when you brought me into this world...

How do you enjoy all your toys knowing that your DAUGHTER you forgot about was living on the streets, a car and a tent in the freezing cold mountains...?

Look, I'm really glad you killed enough people in your life to acquire those riches and I would not seek to take it from you...but what are they without family??? Without love?  Are you going to take it with you when you die???  A real hero LOVES.  It is not about he who acquires the most things.  No one will remember that.  They will remember how you loved them, how you helped them, how you abandoned them....
How do you want to be remembered? 

How could one possibly enjoy any of it knowing you have a disabled single homeless daughter on the streets fending for herself getting fucked by people that YOU are friends with!!!  Yes, I still have the recordings...
All my work erased. everything sabotaged....does this make you feel like a big strong man?  Is that how you serve your country like the hero you are?

Do you know any other fathers that treat their children this way???  I don't.

Do other secret service men treat their families this way???  Is this what the federal government is all about???  Fuck the family, kill more children worldwide?!?!?!?

Well, I have met some other agents, even smoked pot with one...and they do not treat their families the way you did.

It's weird because I remember even as a child you would come around and play with Jason....your big bad son...but you ALWAYS ignored me except for when you were taking me to some military base to show me off.  You took him on vacations, bought him things, showed up to his wedding with 5 thousand dollar gifts and trips......where were you for my wedding, the birth of my children, anything I ever accomplished?  Did you ever even think of sending me a birthday card?  Christmas card?  Did you ever even think that I might be human too and deserving of the same love that everyone else NEEDS to survive healthfully in this world?!?!?!

Do you remember running in to me at the wedding where you lied to me saying you wanted to touch base and we would have breakfast the next day as you ran off...?  I was standing in Jasons room when you called to tell him goodbye.  Yeah, my mother and I and children were standing there with that same look of disbelief on our faces....he lied and abandoned me again!!! )
Yet you tried to make me and others think it was my mother who wouldn't let you see me...?  hahahaha good one, liar.

How did you feel erasing my livelihood and business, working with stalkers to purposefully hurt me, erase my websites, income, etc...does this make you feel like a proud father?  I mean I know they also work for the federal government....but geez...I guess the whole blood is thicker than water thing was also a lie...?

Does this really make you feel accomplished?  I have the recordings of the stalkers you coordinated with.  You cannot deny it. 

I also remember the day you told me you were retired from black ops so you could finally get to know me and I would no longer have to worry....I was so excited that you finally reached out to me pretending you wanted to get to know me....
Then the time we hung up and you told your wife you were on a work call?  So talking to me, once every 10 years is a "work call?"  Well that seems really strange being that you said you were retired...so what kind of work was your wife thinking you were performing???

How come when I was dying in the hospital with my brain infection you lied to me about your medical history, then said you didn't want to talk to me, but you wanted to call my neurologist...?  What could you possibly have to share about a woman YOU DO NOT KNOW to her brand new doctor???  What is it that you know about me that you've been hiding all these years???  And why can't you tell me?  Why do you run and hide???

Yes, I still have those texts...

Do you remember when I was in elementary school and someone inserted something behind my ear surgically...and Mimi told me to tell the people at the school that my mother did it because she naively thought that cps would come save the day and remove it...?  But the story was that I had mumps?  lol  Well, the "mumps" are still there.

Should I thank you for your dna that must have helped me survive all these life threatening initiations...including disarming an entire gang by myself?  Should I thank your higher self for bringing me in to this misery I cannot escape?
Did I just learn how to do that because we share dna or was it part of the programs you drugged me up for??? 
Yeah, I remember you even at my grandparents house with the other men in black trying to recruit me for something I don't remember...I was like 7.  I remember Mimi freaking out and saying NO WAY, yet I was mesmerized at the prospect of saving the world like you all told me...she was outnumbered and off I went...
I wonder what kind of drugs was in all the koolaid anyway...?  Did you drink some too?

Society likes to blame victims of these abuses on us, claiming that we have free will choice and we chose this or did something to bring it on.  However, do you remember having a conversation with me ever about what I wanted?  If it's true that we choose everything that happens to us, why is it that I've spent an entire life begging for a daddy and a family to love me?  Why is it that I can't create what I want with my choices...?  Am I special?

Clearly not, even my own dad didn't want me....how could I expect anyone else to?

What was it like walking away knowing you had no interest in my well being ever?  What was it like walking away from the little innocent baby and your wife???  I'm sure all the other women must have been worth it???

I remember the few times you saw me as an adult...there were even fake tears, with promises that you wouldn't abandon me again...promises that you would keep in touch...

and I believed you each time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  like the naive dumbass I am...you proved to be a liar every time you opened your mouth.

Yeah, as a child I was told it was the secret service thing....that duty called and you were protecting me from foreign enemies in faraway places...my dad was a hero...he's protecting the president of this so called free country!  hahaha 
Well, how free are we with gang stalking programs with people like you getting paid to commit crimes against the people?

Then I grew up to see you never returned...doing anything and everything BUT protecting me...and even finding a way to weasel yourself out of child support, abandoning not just me, but the mother of your children to raise two alone without you or your support....Mr Big G Man...all the toys and homes, running all around the world in private jets, but can't come up with 200 to support his children?  pathetic!

In fact, how did you feel marrying an 18 year old when I was just 12 and you didn't even know me, a girl who could have been my big sister?  She was pretty sweet.  I remember my mother had to take care of her when you were doing whatever it is that you....chasing women...
She even went with me to give everything to the people in Mexico when I used to take those yearly trips donating to people living in card board boxes.....like I am today...but I have some tarps and rebar...

You are no hero.  You in fact are the enemy.

And while you have caused me only a life time of pain and disappointment, you have made me the strong warrior I AM who is able to help other people.

Yeah, I might not have toys and cash, but I have heart ad soul.

Something you will never know about...

FUCK YOU DAD AND GOODBYE.  I NEED TO SURGICALLY REMOVE YOU FROM MY BEING. 

In fact you don't even deserve that title...

You are just a mother fucking selfish narcissistic killer WHO DOES NOT DESERVE A BEAUTIFUL BEING LIKE ME IN YOUR LIFE!

I had it all wrong....while I kept waiting for you to come home and pretend I had a family, I should have realized the favor you did me and forgot you ever existed.  However with the scars and trauma you caused....even with a brain infection wiping my memory...the memories are too painful and strong to be able to forget.  I just have to learn to deal and accept I was born to never be loved.  To know that we really do not create our reality and there is no free will.  You taught me that.  You taught me that we can never have what we want, without money and without money you are disrespected and spit on and chewed up.
Thank you for the lessons, me bad ass SEAL and US Secret Service!  You're a joke.  You can kill, but you can't love....what a man...

I hope you enjoy the rest of your life feeling the pain that you have caused so many in your disgusting miserable reptilian life.  Yes, yes I do hope you feel every ounce of pain you have purposefully caused others, killer.

Blessings to you for when karma does hit.  At least I finally got to say out loud what I've been screaming inside for decades...

Sincerely,
your invisible unloved daughter for profit,
Christie Janelle Czajkowski